Deal breakers are lethal.
They’re not negotiable. They’re not “little things”, and definitely shouldn’t be taken lightly.
They’ve ruined tons of relationships in the past and more are set to be ruined in the future.
That’s why you must have a set of non-negotiables. Your relationship cannot bloom without this in place. If you think it can, then you’ve set yourself up for episodes of heartache.
Because, you see…
Humans are daring. They like to test boundaries. They’ll do the extreme just to know where your boundaries lie. Your role now is to put a barricade so they know where to halt.
Now, What are Deal Breakers?
Deal breakers are as the name implies — something that makes you “break off the deal.”
In a more structured sentence, they’re a set of rules, values, and principles that you don’t compromise in your relationship.
Even if the heavens were to come down, you wouldn’t change your mind on them. And when “the deal breaks” you know the one thing to do — end the relationship.
Why are Deal Breakers so Important?
If you’re thinking, “Oh, okay”. What’s the obvious importance of these deal breakers?
To be honest, understanding and recognizing the importance of deal breakers makes your relationship stronger. Others are;
- Recognizing deal breakers helps you avoid toxicity in your relationship that can harm your mental and emotional health.
- It prevents wasting time on a relationship that ultimately won’t work out, allowing you to focus on more compatible partners.
- A relationship built on mutual understanding of deal breakers is more likely to stand the test of time.
- Discussing deal breakers with your partner encourages open and honest communication, fostering a healthier relationship.
- It builds trust between partners, as it demonstrates sincerity and transparency.
- Recognizing deal breakers before they become major issues can minimize conflict and tension in your relationship.
There is more. But these few ones should give you the fundamentals of their importance.
Deal breakers are sensitives. Therefore, you cannot — and shouldn’t— compromise on them. You cannot “talk things out” with deal breakers. Once it happens, it’s a Deal’s-off-I’m-done kind of attitude you pull.
Now, does this mean that you shouldn’t have some sort of compromise in your relationship?
Not at all.
There are areas of your relationship you need to compromise on. You cannot always have your way in your relationship, no it doesn’t work that way.
You’re in relationships to help your partner and vice versa. So a tad bit of compromise on trivial areas won’t hurt. These compromising areas are the “Negotiables.”
See also: 12 Early Signs A Relationship Won’t Last
Negotiables vs. Non- negotiables
The negotiables are what you can tolerate. They’re not so lethal and don’t affect your core personality. While non-negotiables, as I said earlier, are deal breakers.
Knowing their differences will help you strike a stark balance between them. With both in place, you know what to act on or what to overlook.
We’ll look at the non-negotiables later on. But here are some negotiables that won’t hurt your relationship. Rather it’ll foster intimacy, trust, and growth in your relationship.
- Hobbies and interests: Get this right, your partner may not be interested in all your interests. This goes for you too. But, you both can come to an agreement for the sake of the relationship. You can take turns in doing each other’s interests. Who knows, you might end up loving their interests.
- Spending Habits: A Scrooge is a deal breaker. However, we all can be a little extravagant in things we love and tightfisted in things we consider irrelevant. All the same, don’t expect your partner to have the same spending habits as you. There should be a point of balance for you both. No one should be a miser or a spendthrift. Money should be spent wisely.
- Household Chores: If you’re married, having a stark mark on house chores is not necessary. You should be willing to help your spouse with house chores whenever they need it. Don’t be selfish. Offer to help even when you’re not asked to. Go out of your way to make sure the house is in order. Always remember, the house is for both of you.
- Socializing (Extrovert vs. Introvert): As you know, opposites attract (in personality). Meaning, you’re likely going to end up with an extrovert if you’re an introvert. Now, whatever your trait is, don’t overly cling to it. Be willing to swing your partner’s way. That’s what brings colour to your relationship.
Now you know some stuff you can tolerate. Let’s talk about those non-negotiables.
5 Universal Deal Breakers — To Call it Quits — In Your Relationship
They are universal because every relationship should take it seriously no matter your personal beliefs or preferences.
They — the deal breakers — are not to be “considered.” Once it’s there, you hit the road — and don’t turn back.
1. Abuse (of any kind):
Be it physical, emotional, or substance abuse. You’re not expected to accept any form of abuse — no matter how subtle — from your partner.
- Physical abuse. If your partner hits you, hit the road. Don’t try to justify their actions. Hitting you is animalistic. That’s not what you should condone. Love yourself enough to walk away.
- Emotional abuse. This can be subtle because you don’t get to see physical wounds. But the pains it leaves are more excruciating than that of the physical. This kind of abuse can be in the form of criticism, insults, or demeaning utterances.
Don’t be with someone who lashes at you with hurtful words at the slightest provocation. If they can’t control their tongue, control your legs — by leaving the relationship.
Words can cut through and break one’s spirit. The more you tolerate this act, the more broken you will be. So run.
- Substance abuse. If your partner does not understand moderation, you’ll suffer the abuse they put on substances. It can be with alcohol. Taking alcohol is not completely out of it, however, if they need to take it every time to be in a particular mood, you’re in big trouble. If their behaviour is greatly influenced by it, you’re in a mess — a mess you should run out from ASAP!
An unfaithful partner doesn’t value you. Period. It shows how much they despise and disrespect you.
When your partner cheats on you, you should do yourself the biggest favor by stepping out of the relationship — majestically. You deserve a better and more loving relationship.
“Everyone lies once in a while. So, it shouldn’t be that bad, right?” That’s exactly where the deception starts from.
A dishonest partner will go to any length to conceal a truth. And by doing that, they constantly come up with layers of lies.
Once you see that you’ve been deceived, end the relationship. Don’t have any other conversation, because what you will hear will be more lies. Be wise — and be fast.
4. Mismatch Values:
I did mention earlier that opposites attract but in personality. On the flip side, your values shouldn’t be opposite to that of your partner. Both of your values should match. Because if it doesn’t, boundaries would be broken and you wouldn’t know what to expect from them.
Say, for example, you value honesty, transparency, punctuality, and communication. But your partner seems to take these things lightly. you’re on the wrong ship. You need a new — and a better — one.
Values form your core as a being. That’s what makes incompatible values non-negotiable. Don’t reason it out.
Have you ever dated an insecure person? Gosh! They’re so worked up about everything. They stalk you, question you unnecessarily, and make you feel you’re always doing something wrong. When they’re around, you can’t find peace and their pesky behaviour drives you nuts.
That’s because insecurity is crazy.
An insecure person will always do crazy, annoying things — this makes them toxic. And as you should know, toxicity is a deal breaker. Don’t be caught up in the web of such a person. Go find another “secure web” to fall on. You’ll be more sane there.
Deal breakers can vary from person to person, relationship to relationship. However, you shouldn’t accept the universal ones that were aforementioned. It can ruin you as a person.
Also, be willing to loosen up and compromise on the negotiables. By so doing, you deepen the love and intimacy in your relationship.